Gigs, dance, art

Juliana Hatfield on my mind

It had been a while. I had been avoiding listening to her music for months, probably the longest spell since I first heard her more than fifteen years ago. I was afraid of having lost it. What “it” is is that faint but strong connection to her voice and music. I was scared of binding it to what I was going through at the time. Still am. But then I found out about that EP with Frank Smith and had to check it out. And when I got it I had to listen to it in the worst possible place; I guess it was all or nothing, or more accurately I had to know what was left.

Again, unsurprisingly, it turned out to be perfectly in tune to what I was at the time. It’s been that way for years now. At first I let the binding take place, thinking I was in deep trouble if even her voice couldn’t get me out of this mess I’m in. That’s what I wanted to know, setting up a clash between my bounds to two of the people dearest to me. Which one would give first. Of course it turned out different. The last song, On Your Mind, turned out to be the one I must have known was in store. I would have dismissed it a few months ago, but it was perfect now. Not what I wanted at all, better in a way. No clash but an acceptance.

A binding I wanted to avoid, but there was no such thing, as it was already too late. Her music has always been directly in touch with my inner self, so it stands as no surprise that this came about. Now I don’t really know what to make of it. At some point in the future I guess I will dare/need to pop in Become what you are. Maybe I’ll move to Boston at last. Maybe I’ll give up at last. Maybe it won’t change anything. I do believe I’d be dead by now without that particular record. I got no idols is my personal favorite, but feeling Massachussetts is the one song that has always been most special to me. I don’t know how to express that. I’m afraid of losing that bond, I’m afraid of sharing that somehow. But I come to thinking all I’m doing is postponing knowledge of what already is, whatever that is exactly.

On a more light-hearted note, I’m probably the only person to have come to Godspeed You! Black Emperor by way of Juliana Hatfield. The connection? None, but she had done some backing vocals on a Giant Sand record and while looking for that one I saw a Godspeed record, loved the name and bought it. This eventually led me to all this gig-going, along with what I alluded to in this post. It’s all making sense in a way only I can appreciate.


September 17, 2007 - Posted by | Life, Music

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